Monday, April 1, 2019

Bob Davidson to Return to Baseball for Third Time

Bob Davidson to return to major leagues.

Denver, CO— has obtained information that former MLB umpire Bob Davidson will, for the third time, get to call a professional baseball field home when he returns to a Major League field in a full-time capacity as an umpire on Thursday, April 18 in San Diego when the Manny Machado-led Friars host Cincinnati. It will be Machado's first ejection as a member of the Padres.

Davidson, an umpire of 3911 MLB games, can’t wait to get back on the field and has been waiting for "the call."

"Joe (Torre) told me this was a possibility last year when I happened to run into him at a Colorado Avs hockey game," said the 30-year vet Davidson.  "I asked him if there was a chance to get back onto the field.  He seemed open to the idea."

Torre, the Chief Baseball Officer wasn’t convinced to make the move, however, until consulting with longtime yes-man Peter Woodspork, the Senior Vice President of Baseball Operations.

“I talked to Peter, and he kept saying ‘yes’ so I decided to pull the trigger. I guess that’s why Wooden Eating Utensil gets my lunch every day and washes my car.”

Super Baseball 2020, where everyone's a robot.
“The bottom line is, umpiring over the past two years has been too good and between you and me and with the help of commissioner Rob Manfred we want to speed up the games and Bob loved calling pitches six inches off the plate so that should help.”

Baseball hopes Davidson's return will bring the staff below 98% and necessitate robot umpires. This is also the one-year anniversary of UEFL Ump Show the video game and that seems to work okay.

The office also noted that it’s likely that MLB will begin to allow players and managers to leave their positions to argue balls and strikes. “I gotta give credit to Sandy (Alderson) on that one. Who’s more argumentative than Bob.  He’s gonna make the umpires look so bad we’ll be able to bury them in the next union contract.  I mean we like Bob and hope he does well.”

Ump Show also had an electronic strike zone.
We had to cut off the interview with Torrey Pines because Director of Major League Umpires, Randy Marsh was in the office lobbying for a World Series.

“Every year I have to explain to Randy that he can’t work a World Series just by sitting in my office and begging, but it’s better than when he was on the field and called about once a week,” said the same guy.

Alderson, who is now a senior advisor with Oakland and also a longtime friend of the MLB front office, loves the idea of bringing back a spicy veteran.

“Davidson is one of the best umpires I know for igniting riots. That’s why we want robot umpires and quicker games and more offense, but faster too.”

Davidson prepares to eject a fan, "just 'cause."
The real impetus behind bringing Davidson back was Woodspork.

“Look we live in an anti-bullying environment,” said "Sporky," as he's known to his April 1 friends.  “That’s why we don’t do much to help the umpires when they get bullied. Let’s be honest, I don’t have a punching bag anymore. Davidson was easy. He’d throw out a popcorn vendor and I could yell at him. I have nobody to yell at and I feel like not getting angry takes my vitality away. Plus absence makes the heart grow fonder according to Sextus Propertius. That's not part of the fake quote-joke, that's a real name. Look it up. I'm serious, they attribute it to him."

"This guy's breath smells like laughing gas."
Davidson will take over crew chief duties for Jeff Kellogg who is entangled in a legal dispute with a fan whom he tackled in Baltimore a few years ago.

“It will just be great to be back and hopefully get to 40,000 games,” added Davidson.  “I’ve been practicing under an assumed name of Joe Henry doing JV high school games out West. I’ve done over 40 games and ZERO ejections. Except that one kid I caught with a foreign substance. He said it was for chapped lips but nobody is bringing vasoline on my field and getting away with it.”

We’ll monitor this story and have more from Davidson as his re-debut gets closer.  Until then Happy April 1st everyone. April Fools'. It's all satire and like Whose Line, everything's made up and the points don't matter.


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